Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
we were looking for paper towels to wrap his hand and i yanked a drawer out of the cabinet, it was fun so we just kept doing it. things escalated and long story short, he isn't gettin his security deposit back
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
Randomize
