If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
he asked me for a magic BJ...is that supposed to be different from a normal BJ?
Randomize
