You don't have asthma, your pregnant
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
you will always have a special place in my vag
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
