Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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