Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
