What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Tornado booty call.. dedication
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
