You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
im on the hungover til tuesday pabst blue ribbon diet
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Randomize
