Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize