omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
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