Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Randomize
