Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
she woke up with a sticky ear
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
