I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
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