i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
Randomize
