Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I just found a bag of teeth...
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
