rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
Awareness is good for change and all, but ignorance is bliss. I like bliss.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
