oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Success! We fucked roommates!
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
