I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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