oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
