Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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