Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
all I know is this drummer better stop eye fucking me while he plays cowbell. it is way too early for that.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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