I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize