i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
