Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
