hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high
You smell like a Billy Joel song
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
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