My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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