As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
