Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
They are going to name an STD after you.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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