Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
