she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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