your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
