You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
