If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
when we were having sex and i started crying and telling you i missed you..why couldnt you stop and tell me how you felt or make me feel better?you kept going...
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
