my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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