Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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