I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
