we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
We had sex on my friends waterbed ..after that the whole school kept asking him if he had fun getting "sea-sick" last night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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