What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
My friends, they love my intelligence
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
