We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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