i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
Dude if I didn't piss myself last night I dont think I would have woke up in time for work.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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