yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
I want to fling myself into the sun
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
