I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
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