Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
