If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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