I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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