we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
