How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
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