I only kidnapped one of them. chill
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
