OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
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