I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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