Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize