I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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