so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
We live walking distance from the coors factory. no, we do not have a dry week.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
