my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
