Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
He passed out mid-signature
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Randomize
