my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
