you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
