When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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