im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
What drink are we having for lunch?
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
Randomize