New low: just hacked my moms facebook
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize
