sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
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