i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize