I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
I woke up and couldn't find her. She had somehow managed to get into the closet and lock herself in. She was crying for her boyfriend. Thirsty Thursday at its finest
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
