I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
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