i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i think i have herpe
just one?
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
