She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
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