i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
