Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
Did he seem like the type of guy that would maybe take weed as payment?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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