sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
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